Look, people doing real things, in a movie, okay, but I think it counts.
I keep circling back to my corporate job, where every day there was some incredible priority from a software release, to getting a project scope out the door, to testing a new feature, and I wonder if those were even real priorities. When I first gave my notice to leave that tech job, I was so worried for the company and who would take over my work. Not that I had ownership over it, but I was doing so much that I couldn’t see how they could find someone and train them in time. It had taken me three years to get where I had been with mentors and a team, and in the end it was only me left. And there was no way to transfer all this knowledge and experience in my brain into a fresh recruit.
So I stayed. HR and my supervisor said they needed more time to find someone and train them not to mention to do two roll outs before I left. I said I would stay part time (since stress was the factor for deciding to leave) and try to find balance while getting all these things done.
And four weeks turned into eight weeks and part time turned into 70 hours a week. I couldn’t just walk away with so many projects on the table and deadlines. I had to make sure there was a perfect transition or else the entire company would fall apart.
Narcissistic to think the world was resting on my shoulders? Or did it hold some truth? A bit of both.
And in those eight weeks, of course my stress level reached it’s highest levels. And for what? Because I was worried my coworkers would look back and think I left them a huge mess? Because I feared my clients would be left in a lurch without key information or updates?
Ha.
Something real I have perfected since quitting my job. Eggos!
Now, I look back and all I can think is that that job was like ‘make work’ or ‘busy work’ but not technically valuable work. But what is valuable work? Our whole world relies on computers now, so who am I to think that work doesn’t have merrit. I have always been a bit of a ludite with my Martha Stewart dreams of having a home in the country. But perhaps those are the dreams of merrit and not what you can only see behind a screen.
Now the type of work that captures my attention is the kind that creatures and shapes things in the physical world. From planting a garden, to preparing food for my family, to writing a letter to a friend, to laughing with my kids. I don’t know how else to say it without sounding repetitive, but I simply want to FEEL alive.
Side bar: I am not depressed or debating BEING alive. I am talking about FEELING alive. Feeling joy, and discomfort, and doing real things and not just watching someone else do real things. To me, that is what I am calling feeling alive. Perhaps one day it will have a name that describes that wish to experience and live life in the real world.
When I look back at my work and the stress that came with it, it all seems like a dream or a joke. How should that work bear any importance on my happiness? But I know the answer. Money. That work provided security and comfort for our family. Some may criticize my entitlement of mocking a job that puts food on the table and pays the mortgage. And while I agree and I remember how when I first got that job it removed so much stress from our lives. I just think that is the trap of this world where we have to pay to live on it. We can’t just revert back to ancient man without bills, oh no, we must pay our way. Should we start down the path of questioning our capitalist advances? Should I wax poetic about the days before light bulbs? For now I will keep it to just the viewpoint that I think jobs where all the work is done on a screen isn’t real work.
And if you are wondering how I can afford to live without work. Well, I can’t forever. We have a house and cars and it all costs money, that currently is not flowing in. So yes, in the future, I will need to return to work. But frankly, I am not ready to mentally accept that fate, so I am living in denial about the whole thing while I write blog posts and make videos capturing life out here.
And thus, the wheel goes round as we all have to play the game of paying the bills to afford to live in today’s society, so we continue to work the jobs on screens day after day. And who can debate the subject when everyone is int he same boat and has to “live” the same life?
So did my job matter? After everything, I don’t think so. Does Google matter? Does Apple matter? (I didn’t work for either of them, but they are example of software companies “doing” big things.) They weren’t here before. And what would happen if they went away? Maybe we can bring back letter writing and radios and telephones with long cords. Ha ha. I can do all that anyway.
This is all just something to chew on so at least we know the game we are playing and are aware of how that game shapes the world around us or behind a screen.